Downsides of Univesity

I like to describe myself as a very steady person. My parents were always proud of me at school, even if they didn't say it much, I had everything organized, I liked to be prepared even for the tiniest thing in life. 

But one thing I wasn't prepare for is living on my own at university. I was unused to the amount of solitude I had to endure each day, it took me by surprise, I didn't have a clue how to manage it. It was then when I stared locking myself, in my room, avoiding any sort of social interaction. I spent days without actually talking, without a single word coming out of my mouth. I found myself staring at the walls and crying myself to sleep. I used to count before I could fall asleep, 1, 2, 3.....I even reached 200 sometimes. I was so excited and optimistic about living alone, growing up, making new friends that are more likely to stuck with me for a life time, but it was hell. It was the time for every freshly graduated kid to shine, and I wasn't shining, my life became gloomier the more I saw how blooming and delightful the other kids were. 

And I was thinking to myself, how am I supposed to carry on for more than 5 years in here? Should I go out more? I even googled "how to make friends" and binged watch "life-coaches" videos on how to be more social. 
During my school years, I was never the weirdo, I was rather the popular kid, a bit nerdy, true, but making friends wasn't a worry of mine. How can solitude turn me into the opposite of who I used to be just one year ago? 

This is just a brief story with a strong message: mental health is crucial when it comes to college students, the amount of stress they are facing every day and the new abrupt life style they are experiencing is hard enough to make them go into a spiral of dark thoughts. 

My experience made me more aware of myself as an emotional creature, I became aware of how a healthy mind will bring a healthy life in all its aspects, and definitely, it's surely fine not to feel fine sometimes, the sadness is here to be embraced and dealt with, no ignored and neglected. 
Stay strong new college kids! 

The Power Of Love

She is living. That's what she was trying to convince her mum with, she was living the best life she could possibly live right now, and that is because she is free, there is no strings holding her back from doing what she wants to do. Love made her wings spread wide, love made her see even further than what she ever thought, love made her break the barriers and destroy the walls. But who would understand that? Why do people link partnership to restriction and limitation?
At first, she was so confused at the idea of defeating her monsters with love, how could she find medication in a feeling? The anxiety was still there, the fear was still there, but she believed love can cure any illness, she believed it had some sort of supernatural power of softening the hearts, calming the minds and purifying the souls. She just didn't know how to use it back then,"defeat the bad with the good"they said, but the process was still yet unknown for her.
She kept on trying, she kept on searching for a way to let love demolish her anger and fears, she believed in her love like it was her only savior, and she was lucky enough for having someone to remind her of that everyday...
He gave her freedom, he released her from her depressive thoughts. He had the talent to create a peaceful bubble around her every time she was with him.
She finally found how to heal her anxiety, her confusion, her fears, and it was due to him.

Whenever her mum asked her to live and not let herself get attached, she responded with the calmest tone "I am living and I am happy mother".

The Hearbreak

He's laying in his bed, motionless, the only prove of him still alive are the small, shallow chest movements. He was staring at the ceiling like it would tell him what to do, what to think and how to heal. 
That was it, he came up with a conclusion. He left his heart with her. This is the only justification he could find. After what she had put him thro
ught, he was still faithful to his feelings. 
But how? How can the devil look so pretty in our eyes? How can a heart be faithful to its destroyer? What kind of monster is love? 
He grew into this, he let the pain harden his heart, but every time he tried to forget, her ghost followed him in his dreams, her words was glued to his mind, and her absence became unbearable. She took everything and left him in flames to eat him up alive.
Give him back his heart, he doesn't want to live a captive between the walls of fades memories, every thought of her reduces ages from his life, but what can he do? 
How can the the most soft and gentle feel on earth be that agonizing? How do we heal a broken heart? 
Years passed by, and the wound was still fresh and bleeding. They said time is the medicine, they said time will make it better, but what they couldn't see was the cut got deeper every day, and time lost its magic unfortunately. 
He got used to the pain, this heartbreak was the only thing he had of her, and he wouldn't let it go.
Many doors are open for him, why he keeps on closing them? Many hands are extended towards him, why he keeps on rejecting them? It seems like the whole world is trying to make him move on, but he keeps on reminiscing? 
How can a heart be faithful to its destroyer...

Introduction, a proper one!

Nothing is perfect in life, I know you've heard that at least a million of time, but maybe this is what make life interesting to live, this is how the boredom is fought, we need the struggles and the hardships, we need the fights and the arguments. 
In today's sprinkle, I felt like giving an insight about who I am and why I created this blog. 
I am a 20 years old girl, a student (who is very stressed out about her finals right now by the way), and this is my passion. It took some time to dig in and find it, and it took me even more to finally publish my thoughts on a public platform.

A shrine/mosque in my hometown

My life is my main source of inspiration, I like to observe every aspect of it, peel every layer, structure every incident into a thought, and every thought into a hundred words. 
And this, dear people, doesn't come without a price to pay, I am an over-thinker, and as long as I can remember, my social interactions were never without an issue whatsoever. 
I talked earlier that it took me a while to discover my passion, well maybe I lied, I knew it, I knew writing made me breath, I knew that putting my thoughts into words was the biggest blessing among various ones, the only thing that made me postpone creating this platform is doubt. 
I doubted my skills, "I am not good enough", that sentence was hard to erase, I guess the time I took was for me to convince myself that I don't need fancy complicated words to write, and the uniqueness of my style is in its flaws.

When will I learn?

I thought I have learnt my lesson, I thought I would never repeat my mistakes, I trusted myself, I thought I matured, I thought I gained the ability to detach myself from expectations, but I was wrong.
It only comes and slaps you in the face once you believe too much in yourself, what kind of paradox is that? 
And this got me thinking, when will I learn? When will I learn that people are not here to be trusted? What type of hardship I must go throught to learn that? When will I stop expecting that much from total strangers, people who lost the meaning of friendship? 
When will I stop blaming and hating myself after every slight change of behavior, after every cold reply or small talk? When will I stop asking myself what have I done wrong? 
Maybe I am just too self centred to see the whole world and what's going on in people's life, but who isn't selfish? No matter how hard humans try, we all remain the most selfish creatures in the whole universe, and it's fine, if we don't think about ourselves who would? 
I needed and I will always need to feel special in someone's eyes, to be treated differentely, bring that little glimmer in their eyes, because that feeds my ego, it awfully nourrishes my selfishness, and makes me obtain that stupid validation that everyone seeks. 
I thought my solitude made me a bigger person, wiser, more aware of my instincts and my dark side, but it's fruitless, my monsters will always get over me, and I simply need to cope with them, make some sort of a deal, so that everyone can live in peace....