Doubt

    I never wanted to believe there is something wrong with me. Convincing myself that I may have anxiety is like convincing an atheist of God's existence. 
I fear failure, my life has to be like a shooting star, everything should be improving, not crashing downhill. I am addicted to success, I need to be at people's expectations. Does that make me sick? 
I have tied myself to pressure, I breath pressure, constantly, and I thought I was fine, I thought it was beneficial, I thought it pushed me forward. But nobody told me, that in this forward I have been pushed into, I would be feeling this way: I am a made of stress.
At first I thought I had it under control, just another issue that I can handle, just another obstacle that I can overcome. But it got out of control, this stress became scary, I could no longer conceal it, it had made its place, in my core, somewhere between my organs, eating every inch of calm in me. 
It should be normal, right? everyone is stressed nowadays, why should I make a fuss about it? 
Apparently no, it is not normal. It is called anxiety, it is a disease, a medical condition that needs to be treated. 
I can't be mentally ill, why would I? My life is decent, I may not be happy but I am satisfied most of the time, or am I not? I tend to take life seriously, but I always thought that what made me efficient, productive, successful in what I do. 
For a person who had everything under control, feeling this slip of the grip is devastating and nerve-wracking. 
Now that everything is out of control, I can only watch in sobs my life passing me by...
I know I need help, but I just can't take that first step yet. 

till death or divorse do us part !

  Wearing white to darken up the rest of your life?
Is it really that dreadful? Such a noble and virtuous link in this earth, the whole wold celebrate it, from modest family gatherings to extravagant weddings, written in every holy book, sacred by every single religion, marriage.
A logic continuity of life for some, a choice for others, an obligation for the less fortunate,a complete nonsense for the rebellious, a dream for young girls.
I am expected to get married, if not right away, some time in my life, before a certain age that can vary from a region to another, it is a sequence of my existence, a woman's circle of life, a no-brainer almost.
But the more I meet married women, the more I get confused.
From all the complaint, the desolation, the despair, the hatred I hear on these women's lips while talking about their marriage, I get carried away in a maze of thoughts, so intense, rotating around one core simple question: Why on earth should I get married?
If marriage only brings out the worst in people, why is it celebrated? why is it even wanted if it puts the individuals in a constant war? Who wants to live like that?
All these women certainly had heard other complaints, other failed marriage stories, or even witnessed or experienced being the consequence of a wrecked house hold, yet they decided with their own will to get married and follow their ancestors pathway. Only to find themselves trapped in the same mistakes their grandmothers and mothers made.
So what is the secret of a successful marriage? It can't be that cynical for everyone, there must be a formula, an equation for pre-married to solve, the key to the marital heavens.
"Marry a rich guy" is a sentence I've heard in many "female only" family gatherings, "A man is only flawed by his wallet, get you a man who will provide anything that can come on the tip of your tongue, you don't need a man who will only drag you down into his poverty, and restricted means"
But I don't need that exactly, there's a plenty of ways to gain money without committing myself in such a strong sacred bond, or does my family want to reduce me to a beggar living under my husband's mercy...
I dream of love, my soul craves affection, and there is nothing wrong with it. In my imagination, I go to bed happy, smiling from ear to ear, thanking my lucky star for making me fulfilled. In my imagination, I am satisfied with everything God have put on my table. In my imagination, I am loved with passion, with gratitude, with respect. In my imagination, I am madly unapologetically in love with a person I call my half, my all, my companion in this journey, whom I will be so proud to call husband. 
Why is it so complicated to understand? Who should I blame here? Myself, for being out of the ordinary, a black sheep? 
Well, I am that black sheep. 

What Defines Us?

  
  

  

  To survive, we need some few fundamental things, what to eat, what to wear and what to protect ourselves with. But who wants just to survive? Who wants just to satisfy these needs and call it a life? Why life needs to be more complicated?

  We are not content with surviving anymore, we want more, we want company, we want human connexion, we want to be social, it became a must to our eyes, we fear loneliness like we fear our enemies, and we need people just how our bodies need to be fed. 

  Human connexion...what a twisted necessity. Humans interaction are simply conflicts that are painted with different color, that are assigned to with different terms: friendship, partnership, marriage, brotherhood... Each one is fighting for their own selves, even if it is only hidden underneath. We fight for our identity, we fight for what we need from this interactions, we fight for their care, their attention, their time. It is an infinite fight, that no harmony or chemistry could delete, no love or selflessness could make it disappear. It is what we are, it is what defines us as humans.
And there is nothing wrong with being in a constant fight, this conflict set an odd but pleasant and satisfying balance. 

  It is just crazy to think that we can't actually live alone, that loneliness will drive us insane while fathoming at the same time that we are born alone and we die alone. What does it have to be a plural between these two intervals: birth and death.
  It appears every year we add to our lives only makes us weaker, more vulnerable, fragile and more sad. Weaker because our thirst for human connexion gets more necessary and sad because it never gets quenched. Nothing satisfies us anymore, the expectations we nourish our thoughts with grow over us and over everything others could do for us. Nothing is enough anymore.
  
  But how can we demand that many requests from beings that are so afar from what we are. Who gives us the power to claim love, care and attention while we have done nothing to deserve it? 
Everyone wants to feel loved, needed, special in others eyes, or maybe just one pair of eyes. But if everyone wants it, who is left out there to make us feel this way? We can't give what we already lack, or can we? 
  
  It might seem that there is only a fine line between surviving and living, but these two concept are like black and white, north and south, land and sky...We can't be content with only surviving because living takes our breath away. And we like our breath to be taken away. It is such an irony to realize that the only things that are keeping us alive are the near fatal experiences, the challenges, the troubles. The only time we felt alive are the most dangerous situations we have been through, we feel life when our hearts skip a beat,  when we feel butterflies in our stomach and when we forget how to breath. Life is too tight to death even if it's its complete opposite.
  
  My mind went through many thoughts in the process of writing this article, and I find the messiest articles are the most worth reading ones. Because it is such a raw and authentic image to the writer's mind, it is an open door to explore a universe of ideas. And each idea is as interesting as the previous or next one. 

A Sprinkle Of Faith !

 My relationship with religion is like an infinite roller coaster ride. Sometimes I am up to the skies and sometimes it gets very low. And I grew myself to the idea that faith will never be a constant phenomenon, like any other relationship, it needs to be nourished and maintained. 

 I am from a conservative family; as I grow up, religious duties were an obligation I had to follow like any other parental order. The 2 only ways for me to obtain the pride of my parents were studies and religion. 

 But as I get older and less intellectually dependent, I realized two fundamental things: first, I am so blessed to be raised among a religious family, and second, is it wrong not to feel fulfilled with this religion? Is it normal to have doubts from time to time? or should I just stop using my brain and follow blindly? 
This kind of confusion and struggle you start to experience with yourself, once you matured up a little bit and your mind becomes more open to all sort of ideas you couldn't think of when you were younger. 

 And now, reaching this age, I started thinking to myself, was it a better way for my parents to inculcate religion into our daily lives, isn't the moral and spiritual part more important than the "do's and don't's" part? 

 I think what bothered me and what will bother me for a long period of time, is how religious society, no matter the religion, emphasizes on things and decides to ignore other aspects that are as important as praying five times a day. 
The religion we follow now is custom made, tailored to society needs. We got used to gossiping behind people's back, yelling, cursing, and still we somehow manage to get so offended when we see someone drinking, eating during Ramadan, or dressing up a bit too tight. 

 The first thing we tell our girls is to cover their hair before teaching them any kind of basic moral values. Because of course, physical appearances get more attention and a better care. 
The only way we motivate our kids to pray is through punishment, reminding them of hell and how aggressively and unmercifully they will get burned up alive if they refused to obey. 

 It is tremendously saddening to see that religion didn't succeed to purify our core from its roots, and it only cleaned the superficial layers of ourselves. 

 I may sound like I am blaming religion or society, but in fact I am blaming none of them. A series of events, from brainwashing people to infusing cultural beliefs with religion, led us to this reality.

 I wish my elders took some time to explain to me the mental benefits of meditation and how empowering it is to the soul, I wish I have heard the rewards before the punishment,I wish I had imagined heaven before hell, I wish I have received more encouragement than judgment, and I simply wish for the day that religion will brings us together and not tears us apart. 

 In the end, I would like to mention that I have succeeded to structure my relationship with religion afar from what society wants me to believe, and I am very grateful for this faith, a faith that keeps my principals high and shown, a faith that surrounds me with peace and self-acceptance, a faith that helps me to be a better human being. And I think the religion that doesn't allow you to feel this way is more damaging than beneficial. 

 Religion is before anything else a spiritual bond that links you vertically (not horizontally) to your personal idea of a higher power, it is everyone's duty to protect that bond and no let it be influenced.

Solitude, My Best Friend!

  Solitude, what a monster! It seems like every one's biggest nightmare, but we will face it at least once in our life. How can we adapt to it? make it less frightening? 
Let's start by explaining why loneliness is our number one enemy. Well, we simply fear the echo of our thoughts, and once we are alone, our minds get even louder. Somehow, forcing ourselves to think positively only pulls us to the darkest parts of our mind. 
  Things can get out of control, loneliness can switch a cheerful and delighted person to a gloomy, low and deplorable person. 
  Being all by yourself surrounded by 4 walls is not the greatest experience of your life, but I have managed to gather enough tips to make the most out of anyone solo time. 

  1-Get organized!
I don't know about you, but whenever I am alone, my place looks like a real mess. I lose all my will to function as a human being, and hibernate in my bed sounds like a terrific idea. But, it takes only few minutes to be on the right track. I like to start with tiding my bed, one of the simplest tasks, but it can instantly change my mood. Having an organized environment stimulates your brain to structure your thoughts more effectively. 

  2-Eat real food! 
Cooking nowadays is no longer an unprecised science only designed for a group of people. Cooking had never been this easy. Get your grocery right, learn how to prepare a few easy meals and don't be afraid to fail. Nourishing yourself with the right nutriment will make you more aware of your health and how your body function. Take advantage of your solitude to come in touch with your body, it will thank you later, I promise. 

  3-Treat yourself, the healthy way! 
Enough with the unproductive activities (binge watching, stuffing your face with fatty food...), and learn how you can treat yourself the right way. The options are endless, you can start by picking up a new hobby, and finish with a home made facial sort of spa. Find what suits you and enjoy yourself while doing it. 

  4-Go out, it's mandatory! 
Going out alone is a unique experience everyone should try. Let aside the fear of strangers glancing at you, and go out! Anywhere your heart feels like going: a burger place, a fancy restaurant, a park, a museum...Don't make your solitude an excuse to lock yourself in your place. 

  5-Welcome failure with arms wide open...
Have in mind that it is never going to be perfect. Going through loneliness gets more challenging as time goes on. So there will be days where you will spend 90% of your day laying in bed and losing count of how many movies you have watched. Remind yourself of your strength, and you can always start over. 


  Everyone has their dark thoughts, and loneliness is the perfect opportunity for our demons to come alive before our eyes. But let's not all forget, being alone tests first our will and determination. No matter how challenging it can get sometimes, it is only forging us to be better human beings. 

Insight Of An Almost Chaotic Life!

    I moved for 8 times during my life, and I have no doubt that many moves are waiting ahead for me. The closest to stability for me was 3 years and I am a professional  when it comes to shoving my life in boxes. 

True, it is always a great conversation starter, I like to see people's fascinated eyes when I tell them my story, it's abnormal for them, just as much as it is odd for me to live in the same place through your whole life. 

Bur what have I learnt from it, though? 

   

1-You get too good at saying goodbyes! 

Yes, goodbyes and splits break your heart way too often that you simply get used to it. You realize at such a young age that nothing last forever and it is better to enjoy the journey rather than the destiny itself.

  

        2-Friendship? Never heard of it! 

Maybe this is the part that still tortures me until this day, making friends and leaving them in such a short amount of time is hard, because no matter how much you promised your bff that you can do long distance, trust me, it is not going to work. 

Making friends in new places was a new challenge every time, the more I grow up the hardest it gets, I still can't get it though, maybe as we get older, we become more aware of fakery, hypocrisy and shallowness? Maybe.

   3-Fresh start every time! 

Sometimes, a new place is what you actually need, a new city, a new school, a new life! I can't count how many times moving was helpful for my well being, it gave me an opportunity to begin something new every time, and I know this is not a given bliss for everyone.

   4-Belonging somewhere, please? 

It is so frustrating to feel like the outsider, all the time. Moving that much made me realize that I don't belong anywhere, I needed a place, I needed a city, I needed a neighborhood to feel belonged, and I would never understand this feeling, the feeling of being attached to a city, a place where you always return to it at the end of the day, a place you simply call home. 

   5-Fast bloomer! 

The amount of changes I witnessed around me during my 20 years of existence made me change myself from the inside too, it wasn't a choice, it was unavoidable. And maybe it took some times to understand this but, those moves are who I am today, and I wouldn't have picked it another way. No matter how much I cried while stuffing cardboard boxes with my things, the person I am today would have never existed without those tears. 

After all, we learn the hard way, don't we? 

In the end, it never gets easy, because every move seems like the first one ever, no matter how you have trained your heart and mind to get used to it. And it's natural, human instincts are made to be satisfied with stability and an idea of a home, and even if this idea changes every 3 years of my life, I managed to find comfort in a discomfort, somehow! 

The road to straight "A"s !

 

It's finals season! And as much as you want to curl into a ball and cry in your bed, you need to be studying. You are motivated, you got yourself settled, you are on your desk, pulled every book and paper you might need, "let's get things done", you whisper to yourself. 

 5 min in, and you are already on your phone, staring at the wall, or thinking about that cat video your saw yesterday. 

You are out of focus, and knowing it is making you stress even more! 

This is my routine during finals days, and I guess most of students during this period, so here's my humble tips-that I personally use- to overcome procrastination, lack of focus and laziness! 

 1-Take a moment to breath! 

Your mind is surrounded by negative thoughts that you need to get rid of immediately before anything else. Take a 5 min break, go somewhere preferably sunny and airy, sit on the floor, cross your legs, and try to focus on one thing: your breath. It sounds so easy and simple, but trust me, learning the ability to think of one particular thing and bloc any other thought that comes to your mind, will help you regain your focus in such a short amount of time! 

Here is how I like to do it: take a deep breath during 8 seconds, hold it in for 4 seconds, and let it out for 8 seconds, with eyes closed and muscles released. 

2- Make a plan, a realistic one! 

It is always nice to know what you need to work on every single day, so make a daily based plan, and be realistic! I don't recommend making detailed plans (like what you would be doing every second of your day), and I don't recommend writing it down either, because it would be a waste of time, and time is what we need, right? So take a quick look to your topics, lessons, lectures... estimate how much time you need for every course, and try to stick to it. 

3-Forgive yourself! 

So you made a wonderful plan, you just need to stuck to it right? But sometimes, we all know it, it is not that simple, some days you are just not feeling it, laziness gets over you, and you let yourself go. This happens to me A LOT, and it is always challenging to get back to work after this phase, because not only you have to work more in a shorter amount of time, but you are feeling extremely guilty about the time you have wasted. Forgive yourself, nothing is perfect, and get back to work asap! 

4-Have at least two work spaces! 

I know it sounds odd and crazy, but I feel like every place holds its energy, and sitting on the same desk, in the same room for a couple of hours, uses up that energy. Have at least two places to study, (your bedroom and living room for example). Side bonus, it is amazing for memorization. 

5-Find a source of straight! 

I know how hard it can get during finals period, and it get really thought when I start doubting myself. Whenever this happen, I try to remind myself of what motivated me to do this, keep your motivation high by reminding yourself of your goals, I know you would probably read this sentence in a bunch of other websites, but the reasons why you chose this career should be sufficient to get yourself to work every single time. 

6-Find your reset mode! 

I know working for hours is tiring, one way I found to reload my focus and energy is talking to someone, having a conversation, see what's going on in this world and get out of my study bubble. If conversations are definitely not your thing, try something else, maybe going out for a meal? cooking? drawing? Find your own refuge when you get overwhelmed! 

Those are my tips for getting the most out of your concentration, and don't forget to sleep, eat as healthy as you can and drink water! (Maybe I need to stick to that last advice myself!) 

Keep the work up, folks!